Sunday, December 11, 2005

An Open Letter to Keanu Reeves

Dear Mr. Reeves,
First Ashton and Demi, then that guy from LOST and Barbara Hershey, now you and Diane Keaton?

Let's get real here, Keanu.

Ever since I saw Father of the Bride, I've had my eyes on one person. And one person alone.

Kimberly Williams.

And then Pete Sampras came along and crushed that dream for me.
So I re-watched it and fell in love with Diane Keaton.

Well... then Pete and Kimberly broke up and I re-watched it and fell back in love with Kimberly. But then she went off and married this douche-looking country guy named Brad Paisley.

So I fell back in love with Diane Keaton.
Which leads me to my letter to you.

Have you drugged Diane Keaton? Did you put her on speed? Or did you two just really have a sweet november? Because as I recall, you guys got together after filming your nice little movie together, then you left her for some 28 year old Texan. Then that went down the shitter. Right??? Right???
YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU KEANU!!!
So now it's time to call in the replacements. Now you want back in with your sweet little 59 year old girlfriend. Well I don't buy it mister. Sounds like crimes of the heart to me. You might say I'm just playing the devil's advocate here, but it doesn't sound like you are very committed to making this relationship work. Maybe I'm making much ado about nothing, but I just feel like yet again my feelings are going unnoticed by both of you!!! UGHHHH!!!!!!

Look, I'll reason with you. Doesn't she have relatives or something? Can't you just go for the other sister? I mean, it may seem like a gift from god right now, but from what I hear, Diane wants to settle down and get serious. You know what that means? Parenthood. And we both know that's not gonna be a walk in the clouds.

Let me just end this by quoting one of the men who helped make Diane Keaton who she is today, the wonderfully quirky Woody Allen:

"In real life, Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it."

She's vulnerable. That's what I'm trying to get at here. And I don't want you going in and ripping up her heart like you did during the first break-up. So go back to your young little hotties and leave the mature women to me. We'll both be better off in the long run.

-Sincerely,
Patrick

5 Comments:

Blogger bside said...

yo patrick...its benjamin....just wanted to say that i'm 99% sure that keanu reeves is gay...and that the fact that he's dating :gulp: dianne keaton is just a publicity stunt for both of their careers. its perfect...first...keanu can seem more mature to the world for getting someone like keaton and also doesn't have to sleep with her. second...dianne keaton can create an illusion that she is still desirable because she is probably tired of being typcasted for her most recent movies...such as 'something's gotta give' where she is an old woman going through menopause or something...i dunno...good movie though....point is though i think keanu reeves is a moron but i may have ventured off...anyway...keep up the good works bud.

12:30 AM, December 12, 2005

 
Blogger the great waldo pepper said...

haha. interesting theory. you may be on to something here.

what are your thoughts on a one Katie Holmes and her flamboyantly glib "significant" other?

1:13 AM, December 12, 2005

 
Blogger OkraMary said...

ha HA ha...good job movie nerd. also, i had no idea about all this? the keanu/keaton love, i mean. where have i been?

3:34 PM, December 15, 2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're an idiot for actually believing the story that they're together, especially since Keanu has said older women do not interest him and Diane said she views him as a son. (Also for Benjamin he's not gay) Do you have nothing better to do than write a blog about something so stupid?

10:21 AM, December 21, 2005

 
Blogger the great waldo pepper said...

dear anonymous,
thank you for your intelligent, articulate comment.

took you awhile to google those quotes, didn't it?

as for your comment about the story's credibility- it is widely believed that the two are together. the same people who made the claims that brad and jenn were splitting up, then that brad and angelina were together, then that jessica and nick were splitting up, made these claims as well and supported them with solid evidence.

my take on the story wasn't to inform the world about a new, budding romance, but to put a comedic twist on the story and provide something funny for people like you to read.

on that note, i'm glad you enjoyed it. thanks for reading! and check back often, there will be more "stupid" posts in the future for you to look forward to. unfortunately, there will be some important posts, like there have been in the past (they might go over your head, but don't worry, i've listed keywords that you can google so you can learn about these subjects as well and get back to me!). if you'd like to read some of those now while you wait, check out my posts on china (google: communism, read about it, then leave a comment), syriana (google: iran, stephen gaghan, save the comments for this one- we have an intellectual discussion going on here already), links for kinks (google: fetish or paraphilia- depending on your maturity level, this might be a topic best left ungoogled).

anyway, thank you very much for your comment and keep reading! i promise you, it will only get stupider from here! keep posting!

12:45 PM, December 21, 2005

 

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